


Getting and Deserving

by thundercaya



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, M/M, Workplace Warzone compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 17:29:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12869514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thundercaya/pseuds/thundercaya
Summary: Madison doesn't want Jefferson to know that he's been up all night.





	Getting and Deserving

The sun is rising. When did that happen? Where did the night go? Procrastination. Madison never procrastinates his work. Instead he procrastinates things like doing laundry and running errands. He procrastinates things like tidying up his house and finding something to eat. Tonight he procrastinated going to sleep and now he has to get into bed before Jefferson wakes up for the day and realizes that something is wrong.

There’s _always_ something wrong, and it’s often _this_. Madison is _sad_. No real reason--aside from the one involving chemicals. He’s just overwhelmingly and uncontrollably _sad_. And while sleep could offer a temporary escape, he knows well enough that sleep doesn’t come easy when he’s feeling this way, so he put off trying.

He’s running out of time, though, and can’t put it off anymore. He sets his phone on the charging pad and switches off the living room light. He puts his hand on the wall to guide himself down the hallway, then carefully opens the door to the bedroom. The curtains are thin--something Madison has complained about often--and in the growing morning light, Madison can see Jefferson clearly.

Jefferson is beautiful. He really is, and Madison can appreciate that, always has. He worries sometimes that it might be unfair of him to keep someone so beautiful and not enjoy him fully, the way someone else might. Maybe if Jefferson didn’t like sex so much, Madison wouldn’t worry about it, but Jefferson loves sex.

 _And me_ , Madison reminds himself. _Thomas loves_ me.

Of course the biggest problem with putting off sleep because you’re sad is that the more tired you become, the less energy you have to fight off the thoughts that come with that sadness. The main thought right now being that Madison doesn’t feel worthy of Jefferson’s love. And not just because Jefferson is beautiful and funny and intelligent and always has the best comebacks against Hamilton, but because Madison doesn’t feel worthy of love in general--never has. Yes, he’s well aware that there are people who love him. Jefferson, his mother and father. His siblings, sometimes, and there are enough of them that it’s likely that at least one of them loves him at any given time. But getting something and deserving it are two very different things. Joey from Princeton did not deserve death. Lizzie, Reuben, and little baby Cat did not deserve death. And Madison, who deserves death more than anyone, has not received it. If death is doled out unfairly, it’s probable that love is as well.

As Madison watches the man who loves him, he considers not disturbing Jefferson with his presence and simply settling down on the floor. Jefferson’s carpet is probably softer than Madison deserves, but that topic has already been covered.

But if Jefferson wakes up and finds Madison on the floor he’ll be upset. Upset _for_ Madison because he always feels bad when Madison is going through an episode, but also upset _at_ Madison because Madison chose not to reach out to him.

Well, Madison sure isn’t going to reach out to him now--Jefferson has always insisted that Madison can wake him whenever he needs anything, but Madison does his best not to take the man up on that--but he also isn’t going to give any indication that anything is wrong. With all the energy he has left, he resists sinking to the floor and instead slips into bed.

Madison risks moving right up against Jefferson, partially draping himself over the man’s bare chest to feel his warmth and just remind himself that someone is there. If Jefferson wakes up at this point, he’ll probably think Madison is just trying to get comfortable, rather than think he’s only just now getting into bed. Jefferson doesn’t wake up and Madison sighs. He intends it as an expression of relief, but it comes out shaky and pained. He closes his eyes, tight, tight, tighter and then--he’s crying. Shit, what? No. He thought he’d gotten it all out the previous night, in his home, by himself. One more night. He should have told Jefferson he needed alone time for one more night.

Madison pulls back from Jefferson, not wanting his tears to reach the other man’s skin, but the abrupt movement wakes him.

“James?” he says, thickly.

“Shh,” Madison says softly. “Go back to sleep.” But then he sniffles, goddammit, and Jefferson is sitting up, fully awake.

“James? Hon? What’s wrong?”

“N-nothing!” Madison insists, but Jefferson pulls him close and the tears can’t be lied away.

“James. Please. Talk to me.”

Madison nods his head against Jefferson’s chest, where the man is cradling it. It’s better. Not better as in fixed, but compared to last night, doing this same thing by himself, crying into Jefferson’s chest is better. He takes a few shaky breaths.

“Same old shit,” he says. “I don’t know….” He releases a sob, then tries again. “I don’t know how to make it stop.”

“We should go for a walk.”

Madison pulls back from Jefferson’s chest to stare at him.

“Not right now,” Jefferson clarifies. “Later. When it starts to cool off for the evening, maybe. And then we’ll go eat something nice. Not _nice_ nice, but something you like. And then on Monday, you call your doctor and ask him if it’s normal for the new medication to be taking so long or if you should try something else.”

Madison burrows against Jefferson’s chest again, nods in agreement. The call to the doctor, he already knew was in his future. It just seemed so far away and he didn’t know how to bridge the time between then and now. A walk. Some good food. Something to fill the time. Jefferson is a literal genius.

“Thank you,” Madison mutters.

“Hey, of course,” Jefferson says, giving him a squeeze. “But that’s all later. Do you need anything _now_?”

“I need to sleep,” Madison says. Because he needs the rest and he needs to bridge the time between Jefferson’s suggestions and now. “And… I need you here while I try.”

Jefferson releases Madison long enough for the two of them to lie down, then he takes him in his arms again and kisses his forehead.

“I’m right here, hon.”

Maybe this is more than Madison deserves--the care and affection that Jefferson shows him time and time again--but if Jefferson wants to give it to him, then Madison isn’t going to argue. He doesn’t know what he’d do without it, and he doesn’t have the energy besides.


End file.
